These are true stories that actually happened. I hope you enjoy them. They were not put up to make fun of anybody, just to show that Newfoundlanders live like anybody else. They can have weird routines in their daily lives and these were just noted of. If they are good, let me know.
A few lines to let you know I�m alive and well. I am writing this letter very slow because I know you are a slow reader.
You wouldn�t know the house when you come home. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of home so we�ve moved. I won�t be able to send you the address because the last Newfie family that lived here took the number with them for their next house so they wouldn�t have to change their address.
We had a lot of trouble moving. The most difficult time was getting the bed out the door. The taxi driver wouldn�t let us put it on the roof of his car, because your father was still in bed and wouldn�t get up.
Your father has a new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass in the cemetary.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven�t seen them since.
It only rained twice last week, the first three days and the last four. Last week it blew so hard that our chicken laid the same egg four times.
I got my appendix out Monday and a dishwasher in Tuesday.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little to heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Your sister is engaged to the young man she has been going with for twelve years. He gave her a very beautiful ring with three stones in it, only the stones were missing.
Your Uncle Amos fell into the whiskey vat where he works. Four of his fellow workers jumped in to save him, but he fought them off bravely and was drowned. We had a funeral for him and he was cremated. It took three days to put out the fire.
About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven�t found out whether it�s a boy or a girl so I don�t know if you are an aunt or a uncle.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out - he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned - they couldn�t get the tailgate down.
Your father didn�t have too much to drink at Christmas time. I but a bottle of castor oil in his beer and it kept him going till New Year�s.
I went to the doctor Firday and he put a tube in my mouth, told me to shut my mouth and keep quiet for thirty minutes. Your father wanted to buy it from the doctor.
Your sister Kate is working in Grand Falls. She has been working there for three months and she is in the same shift as she started in. I am sending her some clean underwear.
We had a letter from the undertaker yesterday saying that he wants the last payment on grandma�s grave in three days or up she comes.
Well, that's all I have to say for now.
Your loving Mother.
P.S. I would have put $10.00 in this letter only I forgot before I sealed it.
Just before I married, mother,
I was thinking most of you.
How you used to cook a dinner,
How you made a rabbit stew.
And I used to wonder, mother,
As I gazed upon the pot,
If my appetite would suffer,
After I had tied the knot.
And I have been starved, dear mother,
Ever since I took the leap,
I have groaned with indegestion
I have lost my beauty sleep.
What a fib she uttered, mother,
When she promised to be loyal!
For the coffee has a flavour
That resembles castor oil.
I am growing thinner, mother
And I don't know what to take.
For I find my jaws are failing
When I try to gnaw the cake.
And would you believe me, mother,
Perhaps you won't but it's a fact,
When my wife puts on the kettle
She can burn the water black.
If the eggs get harder, mother
And the bacon is not fried,
I have had a hazy notion
Of committing suicide.
Though I wouldn't go to heaven,
Though I'd suffer quite a lot.
There would be one consolation,
For I'd get my meals served hot!
Did you hear about the Newfie who went to Toronto, saw a sign that said Toronto Left",
turned around and went back home?
What is a Newfie?
A Nova Scotian with his brains kicked out.
What is a Newfie with two wooden legs?
A waste of lumber.
A Newfie was walking down the street and saw a sign that said, "Man Wanted For Rape!"
So he went in and applied for the job.
How does a Newfie tighten his clothsline?
He moves his house back 50 feet.
Four Newfoundlanders were in a casino and noticed that the only machine vacent was the one on the far wall. The Newfies
decided to try it but noticed that they only had a dollar for them all. So they decided to break it up and each Newfie got a quarter. The first newfie put his quarter in, pushed the button, and
nothing happened. The same thing happened to the seconed and third Newfies. When it came time for the fourth Newfie to try, they told him that he was their last hope. The Newfie put the quarter in,
pushed the button, and out came a bottle of pop.
Did you hear about the Newfie who went to Tim Horton's for a coffee?
He rolled up the rim, it said, "Play again!", so he rolled it down and rolled it back
up again.
Newfoundlanders were talking about the Referendum and one was heard to
remark that they thought that if Quebec left Canada, it would be a shorter drive to Toronto.
Wife: Oh, honey, it was so lovely of you to hold my picture to your heart when you went to the war.
Husband: Well, if your face could stop the clock, it could certainly stop a bulet.
She: "You remind me of the ocean."
He: "You mean I'm wild, romantic, and restless?"
She: "No, you make me sick!"
Jarge: "Did you see that girl in the movie Jaws"?
Maggie: "Yes!"
Jarge: "She had dandruff, you know."
Maggie: "How do you know that?"
Jarge: "They found her head and shoulders on the beach."
How do you get a one-armed Newfie down from a flag pole?
Wave to him.
Jarge: "Why do you have 962 KHF tattoed on your back?"
Willy: "That's not a tatto. My wife ran into me with the car while I was opening the garage door."
Jarge: "How did you get that black eye?"
Aggie: "I was skipping and forgot to put my bra on."
Aggie was cooking some soup when she sent Jarge out to get a head of cabbage. She waited five, ten,
fifteen minutes and saw no sign of him. She decided to go and see if anything was wrong, and found him
stone cold dead in the middle of the cabbage patch. She ran in the house and calls her friend. "Oh my!
What will you do now?", her friend said. Aggie said, "Well, I guess I'll have to open a can of peas."
Jarge: "Aggie, I think I'm going to die. But before I do, out of the eighteen kids we got, could you tell
me owns that odd ball?"
Aggie: "Well, Jarge, to tell you the truth, that odd ball is yours."
Jarge: "Aggie, I think I'm going to die. But before I do, could I try some of that salt beef and cabbage you are
cooking on the stove?"
Aggie: "Sure, Jarge, you can't have that. That's for the wake!"